Regarding the New Year’s Day Potluck...

The Homeowners Association kicked off the year with its annual New Year’s Day potluck, a familiar ritual involving hummus assignments, parking reminders, and too many emails.

Somewhere along the way, a job posting appeared in the thread. 

It appears someone in the neighborhood "accidentally" hit reply-all, sharing a posting written by someone who believes one exceptionally capable individual can do the work of many.

I’m not entirely sure who it was intended for, but given recent developments (and a noticeable absence of familiar faces) it felt worth preserving.

For anyone curious, this is what was shared.

Executive Assistant

Mission: To support visibility, attention, and the appearance of global relevance.

Responsibilities & Duties

• Function as Chief of Staff
• Serve concurrently as Global Communications Director for Global Communications
• Serve as Speechwriter
  • Maintain a curated grievance pipeline 
  • Ensure all remarks position me as wronged, resilient, and unjustly overlooked
    • When narrative stalls, deploy the age-11 material
• Serve as Chief Manifestation Officer
  • Seed narratives regarding imminent fashion partnerships, podcast revivals, streaming deals, and proximity to billionaires.
• Serve as Cultural Attaché to the Montecito Home Owners Association
• Serve concurrently as Head of Security 
  • Coordinate visible protection appropriate for a head of state, regardless of threat level
  • Ensure arrivals, departures, and casual outings suggest international significance
• Act as Herald of Presence & Titles 
  • Announce my arrival, title, and relevance when entering rooms
    • Adjust volume and formality based on audience
• Act as Social Media Manager
  • Maintain approximately 270 supportive fan accounts 
    • Ensure each post is promptly liked and comments appear organic
• Serve as House Manager during periods of unrest or strikes.
• Act as Laundry & Wardrobe Coordinator
  • Oversee garment rotation, preservation of resale value, and timely returns
  • Ensure tags remain discreetly intact when necessary
    • Proficiency with retail tagging guns preferred
• Must be available at all times.
  • Urgency to be determined retroactively.

Qualifications

• Minimum dual PhD
• Able to accept corrections that contradict previous instructions

Former service to a President, Prime Minister, Royal Household, or comparable figure preferred.

Compensation: Emotional Equity & Proximity