The Rebrand Before the Rebrand
This weeks Not-So-Satirical Post...
Monday
The week begins with… movement. Not progress—just movement.
A self-filmed clip surfaces featuring hip-centric choreography and my other half which may or may not have take a whif of something called "laughing gas".
By noon, a surprise restock is announced.
This directly contradicts last week’s vow: “We will not restock any products until 2026. We’re focusing on impact.”
One staffer mutes the group chat. Another starts packing their desk crystals. I am confused.
Tuesday
4 am: Internal memo: “Let’s lean into joy.”
By 10:03 AM: Mouse ears located. Matching linen steamed. Someone cries over which ride best reflects the brand’s narrative arc.
By 4:00 PM:
Photos from the Happiest Place on Earth are “leaked” to three outlets. Subject line:
PRIVATE VISIT – NO PRESS – please give credit
Wednesday
Energy dips. Possibly churro fatigue. Possibly existential.
The twerk video has been reposted 73 times. The better Half say it’s brave.
By sunset, a new shoot drops: lingerie in the ocean.
Caption:
“Soft. Salted. Still healing.”
Hashtag: #UnfilteredDepth
The family dog begins shadowing an assistant. Does it sense a departure?
Thursday
The departures begin.
One staffer posts a farewell reel set to Fleetwood Mac.
Another leaves behind a half-used candle from a local brand- Montecito Minimalist- and a Post-it that reads: “I tried.”
Exit #3 is a calendar event titled Freedom, 2:00–2:05 PM. Icon: parachute.
Exit #4 posts a raccoon-on-Vespa gif in the group chat, then vanishes.
A hush falls over the Manor.
Not grief. Just the absence of ambient NDA crinkle.
Friday
A fresh moodboard is uploaded:
From Palace to Passive Income
Contents include:
• A Yacht
• A QR code to a therapist
• The phrase “authenticity reboot” in cursive
By afternoon, the next pivot is announced:
The Brand is entering its hospitality era.
Plans are teased for a branded hotel concept, featuring wellness turn-down service, and a $600 prix fixe tasting menu inspired by inner growth.
The one thing that sets us apart? A Gratitude journaling nook in every room. (Journal NOT included)
Pledge a life of service. Then open a hotel where other people do the serving.
