🥣 What I Eat in a Day (When the Staff’s on Strike)

Mornings are sacred in Montecito — especially when the staff has unionized and the green juice sommelier is picketing again.
With no one to plate my aesthetic, I was forced to forage… in the secondary pantry.

7:00 a.m.
I begin with a cup of ceremonial fog water, aged in reclaimed glass and misted with rose essence harvested during Mercury retrograde.

8:30 a.m.
Breakfast: A trio of hand-patted chia caviar on a flaxseed air cracker, garnished with edible gold flakes and one (1) ethically massaged blueberry.
Served on my PR strategy binder for stability.

11:00 a.m.
A “light” snack: lavender-dusted almond pulp rolled into artisan silence and presented in a reclaimed abalone shell.
It’s not about hunger — it’s about the heritage.

1:00 p.m.
Lunch is a turmeric and microgreen tower drizzled with biodynamic empathy oil.
My herbalist usually blends it tableside, but today I made do with a spoon and a matcha whisk.

4:00 p.m.
Afternoon tea.
I steep a sachet of flowers in dew collected from the eastern corner of the property (the photogenic side).
Paired with a gluten-optional peony macaron made entirely of aesthetic and ground almonds.

7:00 p.m.
Dinner: A heritage beet carved into the shape of my first lawsuit, resting gently atop a smear of remorse aioli.
Optional caviar pearls spell “soft launch” in Morse code.

9:00 p.m.
Close the day with a whiff of our Smells Like Todger and Night Cream candle and a handwritten affirmation:
"I am not a brand. I am the product formerly known as human."